For 363 days a year I tell myself to be strong and grateful. Sometimes I have tough days and moments, but I pull myself together and move forward. Every year on April 21 and Mothers Day I give myself a pass to be weak, to think all the thoughts and feel all the feelings that come with losing a parent. After 15 years without my mom three feelings are most prominent. I’ve shared a raw picture of what that looks like and why in words below. 

On most years I spend the anniversary of her death with family or doing something active, but in the midst of the pandemic and sheltering in place I’ve been coping in a cycle: think, pray, cry, sleep, eat, repeat, but this too shall pass.

I think and feel guilt. 

1. My mom suffered through cancer and was in pain everyday, but I still want her back here with me. My life would be so much better; I would be so much better if she were. 

2. There are so many things I don’t remember and so many things I never learned and want to know. 

3. So many children don’t get to meet their mom or don’t have parents at all, but I had an amazing mom. 

4. There are so many people that live through unspeakable experiences yet losing my mom was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m still crying because she’s not here. 

5. I question God’s decision to take her life and his failure to save it, but who am I to question the creator of the world? 

I think and feel sadness. 

1. She’s not here. 

2. She endured such immense pain. 

3. She walked through some of the last moments of her life with a colostomy bag. 

4. A mother buried her daughter. 

5. Four children lost their mom. 

6. Five siblings lost their sister. 

7. A husband lost his wife. 

8. Her grandchildren will never get to meet her. 

9. She missed so many amazing milestones. 

10. She won’t get to meet my fiancé or help me plan my wedding or take me wedding dress shopping for the perfect gown to meet my husband at the altar. 

11. I need her. 

12. I miss her. 

I think and feel gratitude. 

1. I had 12 amazing years with my mom. 

2. She was a great role model. 

3. I learned many valuable life lessons through her words and actions. 

4. She introduced me to love, showed me what love looks like and taught me how to love. 

5. Because of her family vision I didn’t have to transition into life without her alone. 

6. I have an incredible support system and lifelong best friends in my siblings, an awesome dad, a host of family members and extended family units that I wasn’t born into but was accepted into with open arms and hearts. 

7. I didn’t let losing my mom limit my vision and pursuit of Christ, happiness and success. 

8. I’m alive.

9. I’m able to share my experience and support others who have lost a parent. 

10. She lives through me in many subtle and many obvious ways. 

11. Her memory lives. 

12. Her legacy lives. 

13. She no longer suffers. 

14. She loved and was loved 

15. She has eternal life in heaven. 

It seems crazy that I’ve lived 15 years without my mom. She was everything, and I think sometimes God removes the people and things we think are our everything to show us that He really is. Although I can’t put into words how much I miss my mom, I’m grateful and proud to be her daughter. I pray we’ll meet again one day in heaven.

I’d love to hear how you celebrate or mourn on the anniversary of lost loved ones. Share below. 

Virtual Hugs & Handshakes, 

Jasmine C. Tate