Today marks 16 years since my mom lost her battle with colorectal cancer on April 21, 2005 at 7:31 p.m. It was the worst moment and experience of my life, but as I reflect on the reality of the relationship I had with my mom and Life After Loss, I’m filled with gratitude. Every year the anniversary date is an emotional one and in most cases, like today, I take the day to be and feel all the things that losing a parent makes you be and feel. Last year I processed my emotions sharing the grief and gratitude. Today I want to share the best lessons I learned from my mom’s life and the loss of it. Thank you in advance for holding space for me.
Life goes on.
The pits and valleys of life make it challenging to see beyond them, but there is life on the other side of loss, heartbreak, tragedy and other unfavorable circumstances. Before losing my mom I thought I wouldn’t be able to live without her, but even on the tough days life keeps moving and although she’s not with me God always is.
Find strength in your struggles.
Whether she was overcoming challenges of life as a single mother of four or battling a life-threatening disease, my mom showed me strength like no other in the midst of her struggles and adversities. She always moved forward with optimism, faith and grace.
Lead with love.
I’ve often shared that the greatest gifts my mom gave me are my siblings. In addition, she told us she loved us every day, showed us her love in action and taught us how to love. It’s the greatest lesson I learned from her.
“Let brotherly and sisterly love continue.”
“I love you like nobody’s business.”
“I love you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
These are statements I heard from my mom often as a child. In addition to expressing her love to me and my siblings through words of affirmation, she filled our “love tanks” through consistent communication of the Love Languages (quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts.) When people tell me “your mom would be so proud” it warms my heart because she said to me repeatedly “You make a momma proud.” I hang on to those words and they motivate me to keep moving forward and pursuing my passions and dreams.
The words of affirmation were often accompanied by hugs and quality time often paired with acts of service and/or receiving gifts. She spoke each Love Language fluently and it had a significant impact on my siblings and me that’s evident in the way we interact with one another and our family, friends and neighbors.
Make time for the people and things that matter most.
My childhood included extensive quality time, which often included our immediate or extended family. We spent many days with my grandma and cousins and our time together was always filled love and laughter.
Outside of quality time, my mom also prioritized faith, family and health. I remember frequent trips to the park where my mom exercised with family and friends. The reality that she lost a battle with one of the most treatable forms of cancer is a daily reminder of the importance of preventative care, a balanced diet and an active lifestyle. By faith she fought her battle with cancer until the end and through my relationship with Christ and my family (biological, extended and accepted), I’ve endured the most challenging and painful periods of mine.
Let your words speak of kindness.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”
These are words that resonate with many. My siblings and I heard them regularly when we were arguing or exchanging not-so-pleasant dialogue. I can’t remember hearing my mom speak harsh language, and she always encouraged us to let our words be life-giving.
Express gratitude even through pain.
Witnessing my mom sob after losing her hair during chemotherapy or squirm in bed in pain was one of the hardest things to watch as a 11-12 year-old, but I can’t recall a complaint coming from her mouth. What I vividly remember are Sunday night church services during open calls for testimonies. My mom was often the first to stand and share how even though her body was “racking with pain" she was grateful for her life and healing.
As I look back over my life and I think things over, I can truly say that I’ve been blessed. I have a testimony.
She frequently sang these words to open her testimony and was the epitome of showing strength through struggle and gratitude through pain.
Live life in color.
When I think about my time with my mom the strongest feelings are of love and joy. Whether we were sharing a meal around a table, spending time with family or taking road trips with friends, the fondest memories are of the quality time we shared together. Beyond that she expressed herself creatively through her bold and feminine style, creativity shown through art on the walls of our home and singing along to our favorite songs or making lyrics to our own and encouraged us to do the same.
As I wrap up this post with tears of happiness for the mom I had and sadness of her absence, I’m grateful to have the space to share and a community of support. Thank you for being here. Skipping the handshakes here and sending the biggest virtual hugs, because I could use a real one right now.
Sincerely,
Jasmine C. Tate