It was summer 2019 and my colleagues and I were visiting Washington D.C. for our annual staff retreat. Personal and professional development is one of my favorite things in life, but what I enjoyed most during the days and nights spent in DC were opportunities to connect with employees that I don’t see or work with regularly. To my surprise, Bumble was a commonality among many, and I started to feel some serious FOMO, also known as “Fear of Missing Out.” Many of the employees who were in a relationship met their partners on Bumble and those who weren’t already taken were searching on the app. I didn’t give in immediately, but I stayed in town longer to catch up with one of my college friends who was living in the area for her doctoral program at Howard University. Before the weekend was over I had downloaded the app and began swiping.
It wasn’t my first experience with Bumble; I had used Bumble BFF before, but I was skeptical about the dating side of the app, specifically that I had to make the first move. Also part of me wanted to meet someone offline, “the normal way,” at an event or grocery store or something. The more I swiped the more comfortable I was because only guys that had my permission could even message me. I was in control, and I like to be in control :) or at least have a sense of it. I continued swiping every day until there were no more matches in my “beehive,” and although I didn’t find love at first BOOM… or the second or third and eventually lost track of the count, I did gain some interesting stories, experiences and a little validation along the way. It’s one year later; our 2020 staff retreat has come and gone and I’m still very single. As I reflect on life in the land of bees I’m sharing my strategy, what I learned about digital dating and more.
It all started with a swipe.
If you have an active profile, it’s likely that there will be bees in your beehive. In the early days of my Bumble Date exploration I would swipe until I got tired or I was just over it, then I developed a strategy and stuck with it.
Swipe first. Stalk Later.
Instead of wasting time thoroughly reviewing profiles to decide if each guy was worth a swipe I started by quickly answering three basic questions that checked the boxes for my top non-negotiables and helped me get through more matches during my swipe sessions. 1. Is he attractive? 2. Is he a Christian? 3. Is he local?
Determining these three things saved time and investment because I didn’t want to spend too much time doing research before the matching and messaging stages. The filters in the app made this step easier because it won’t show guys who don’t check those boxes. Paying to upgrade allows access to more filters, but I passed on that. My filters were set to Christian guys within 50 miles who were 30-37 years old and 5’9” or taller - meaning they’re still taller than me if I’m wearing 6 inch heels. Once we match or “Boom,” that’s when the stalking began before I sent a message. Disclaimer: Stalking here is just another word for research, which includes reading whatever he decided to share on his profile, reviewing all pictures and scanning his public social media accounts before sending a message.
Swipe (out) every day.
I knew that the more I swiped the more opportunities I would have to connect and date. I didn’t want to miss out on any potential matches so I tried to swipe every day. Swiping alone wasn’t enough; I emptied my beehive so that I could be sure that I had seen all the potential future dates.
Swiping out was a daily unwritten expectation and when the app went boom, if nothing else it felt good. An attractive guy thought I was attractive and that made me smile every time. While there were instances when I misjudged the first photo and swiped right, the best thing about it was that I didn’t have to message him and even if he was interested he couldn’t message me. Snaps and claps to Bumble for that. Also with the “just keep swiping” mentality I knew that there would always be more bees and it prevented me from going down a spiral of questions and thoughts of anticipation. When I reached the end of the hive for the day I felt the same feeling that I get when I check a box in my planner.
Send a message.
This step was the most challenging, because, believe it or not, sending the first message isn’t as simple as it seems. In my mind you’ve got to start somewhere and saying “Hi” or “Happy ___day” or something simple or similar is a good place. On Bumble for me it was a step further than the equivalent to making eye contact and smiling in public because it doesn’t just say “I’m approachable; hit me with your best shot.” We’re on a dating app, we matched AND I sent you a message (from obligation, but still) so there’s an understanding, or should be, that I’m interested so the ball is in your court. Start somewhere! Dribble. Pass. Shoot!!!
I found out that many guys are over the baby food of conversations and want to start with some real meat. I know it’s a matter of personal preference, but I don’t know if I ever found my sweet spot. I was just me; sometimes I had some great conversations. Sometimes my messages were left alone in an inbox with all their unfulfilled potential.
Then there’s a date.
Or not. I have to admit that when I first downloaded the app, I was excited to meet guys and just hang out and have fun without pressure. I’ve been single since my junior year in high school, and the idea of dating was, and still is, exciting. In 365+ days I only met two guys in person. One only wanted sex. In my mind I knew it, but I told myself to give him the benefit of the doubt and “just hang out and have fun” because he was cute and very hot - former professional athlete hot. And he wasn’t afraid to take a shot. I don’t think I give off “first date sex” vibes, but he tried it! Poor guy. A true athlete he didn’t sulk on the sidelines after rejection, he got back in the game, and the next day I got a text…
No, thank you! The end. From one extreme to another. After texting and chatting for a week and meeting once, the second bachelor became obsessed. After I broke it off, he explained that he felt “love at first sight.” He continued to plead for another chance, and I continued to ignore him until he eventually gave up.
Love at last.
After a year of swiping, messaging, hoping and waiting, I deleted the app. I tried online dating, I sent the first message and hoped for the best. Being “pursued” isn’t as easy as it was in high school or college or even grad school. The pandemic didn’t make it any better, but I had more conversations during the pandemic than the seven months on Bumble and other dating apps prior.
I feel like I’m good company and a better catch, but in the 15-20% of the time that I want to be dating or in a relationship I also sometimes, within that 15-20%, feel like I’ve lost “it.” I reminisce on the days when making eye-contact and smiling was enough to get you a date or at least a good conversation. Bumble wasn’t the only dating app I tried over the last year, but it was my favorite, which is ironic because I was skeptical of it in the beginning. It was a stepping stone outside of my comfort zone. I tried several other apps from Plenty of Fish, The Inner Circle and Coffee Meets Bagel to BLK, Black People Meet and more. Bumble was the best. Black People Meet was the absolute worst!
Being on dating apps heightened my awareness of my singleness. Just seeing the app was a reminder of it and made me feel like I was missing something and should be swiping. Now I’m not putting pressure on myself. I’m continuing to enjoy the time that I don’t have to share anything or talk to one person every day. Even though I’m done searching and swiping for now, I’m not over dating. I’m optimistic that my relationship status will change one day. Although it’s not the only one, being a wife is a dream job for me. Hopefully one day I’ll get to live happily ever after, but I’m going to enjoy my single life until I do. Sometimes it seems like I talk about being single a lot, but I am happy, and sometimes I think I like being single a little too much. Like T.O. “I love me some me,” and some of my family members think I’m in the danger zone of being “stuck in my ways” and down the avenue of being “too difficult to deal with,” but I disagree. At the end of the day in the words of Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be, it’ll be…”
Have you tried dating apps? I’d love to hear your about your strategy and experience. Connect with me in the comments below or on social media @jasminectate.
Virtual Hugs & Handshakes,
Jasmine C. Tate
